Do y’all remember when we called ourselves having a boyfriend or girlfriend then our loved ones humbled the entire situation by referring to them as our “little friend?” There was something more in our hearts towards our special person than “friendship” and we wanted it acknowledged. Interestingly enough, I think there is still a speck of that on today’s dating scene. Social media is usually flooded with applications and jokes regarding cuffing season when Fall reaches the horizon. But there is something serious about being cuffed and the notion of a committed relationship.

Some time ago one of my younger cousins and I conversed about his romantic interest. I asked if she was his “girlfriend” and he scoffed: “Titles are so ‘1990s’.” We’re obviously from different generations but I believe that there could be some truth in my little cousin’s and our elders’ concepts. I’ve come to appreciate the friend zone. I don’t think that courtship has to be complicated or eternal but it pays to establish solidarity instead of “skipping to the good parts.” I believe this is as good a time as any to mention that I’m not a romance guru (or any other guru). This piece is to highlight my experiences and observations.

I’ve pondered how a man can ever be a lover to me if he cannot be my friend. I’ve learned that friendships and relationships alike require compatibility. Compatibility for me has changed over the years and I’ve gathered that it is more than “having things in common” or meeting pre-determined checkboxes. Maybe I’m thinking too much with my therapist hat but I believe that the art of compatibility requires that I search and assess myself as a multifaceted person and determine what does (or would) work well and what does and (or would) not. I would think that a person interested in me should do the same. Similar interests are great but what about communication styles? Long-term goals? Values? Spiritual beliefs?

So, reaching back to having little “friends,” I don’t think that it’s a bad idea at all. In fact, I find it genius. It’s imperative to get to know a person and their dimensions without the pressure of wanting to be liked or desired. It helps eliminate the need for masks or “representatives.” (Representatives are people who present who they want to be accepted instead of who they actually are) Once what’s important has been laid out, either the friendship can evolve or remain the same. Either way, at least you dodged investing a great deal into someone that you don’t know or followed due to shallow factors of compatibility. Some people are compatible for friendship, some for networking, and others for something more. I’m legit out here living and learning.

Truthfully, I could be wrong about all of this. But I believe otherwise. Friendships before romance should totally be a real thing.