I saw a discussion between two older celebrities that I thought was interesting. THey were reviewing text abbreviations (e.g. LOL) and explaining them. They landed on FOMO- Fear of Missing Out and someone commented that she had no fear of missing out because she wanted to be “in.” I thought it was funny because she was speaking as if a lot of people were inviting and pulling from her so she wanted her space. I also thought it was funny because I didn’t think anyone says FOMO anymore. A little later I realized that FOMO is actually still relevant.

I used to hear older people say comments like “Look at him- scared he’s going to miss something!” It was usually in the context of someone being nosey. I believe it’s normal to be afraid. I also believe it’s normal to want inclusion but I didn’t want to acknowledge FOMO to myself because I’m not nosey. I’ve been afraid to miss life events, like milestones or accomplishments that are important to me, more than local ones. Fear of missing those things has caused me to sometimes respond impulsively. Sadly, fear has sometimes caused me to settle in some ways. Missing some things isn’t necessarily bad. There are some things I’ve felt that I was missing out on that I’m glad that I did. It’s fear that makes missing out problematic.

Fear has so many tentacles. Fear can make you irrational, anxious, desperate, avoidant, angry, hostile, selfish, greedy, you fill in the blank. Consider how people acted when there was a toilet paper shortage, or when people feared for their lives on the Titanic. Look at how people respond in fear to what they don’t understand. 

Unpacking fear in my life has been a journey. It’s not completely left but I see why it has to. I hope and pray that this read inspires you to see the ways that fear may be impacting your life and decide that it shouldn’t have a place in your life either. If you decide that fear has to go, watch how peace takes its place. 

Last thing, I was afraid to publish this piece because I hadn’t written publicly in so long. I’m glad that I pushed past fear…. I still got it. Thanks for reading!

Do y’all remember when we called ourselves having a boyfriend or girlfriend then our loved ones humbled the entire situation by referring to them as our “little friend?” There was something more in our hearts towards our special person than “friendship” and we wanted it acknowledged. Interestingly enough, I think there is still a speck of that on today’s dating scene. Social media is usually flooded with applications and jokes regarding cuffing season when Fall reaches the horizon. But there is something serious about being cuffed and the notion of a committed relationship.

Some time ago one of my younger cousins and I conversed about his romantic interest. I asked if she was his “girlfriend” and he scoffed: “Titles are so ‘1990s’.” We’re obviously from different generations but I believe that there could be some truth in my little cousin’s and our elders’ concepts. I’ve come to appreciate the friend zone. I don’t think that courtship has to be complicated or eternal but it pays to establish solidarity instead of “skipping to the good parts.” I believe this is as good a time as any to mention that I’m not a romance guru (or any other guru). This piece is to highlight my experiences and observations.

I’ve pondered how a man can ever be a lover to me if he cannot be my friend. I’ve learned that friendships and relationships alike require compatibility. Compatibility for me has changed over the years and I’ve gathered that it is more than “having things in common” or meeting pre-determined checkboxes. Maybe I’m thinking too much with my therapist hat but I believe that the art of compatibility requires that I search and assess myself as a multifaceted person and determine what does (or would) work well and what does and (or would) not. I would think that a person interested in me should do the same. Similar interests are great but what about communication styles? Long-term goals? Values? Spiritual beliefs?

So, reaching back to having little “friends,” I don’t think that it’s a bad idea at all. In fact, I find it genius. It’s imperative to get to know a person and their dimensions without the pressure of wanting to be liked or desired. It helps eliminate the need for masks or “representatives.” (Representatives are people who present who they want to be accepted instead of who they actually are) Once what’s important has been laid out, either the friendship can evolve or remain the same. Either way, at least you dodged investing a great deal into someone that you don’t know or followed due to shallow factors of compatibility. Some people are compatible for friendship, some for networking, and others for something more. I’m legit out here living and learning.

Truthfully, I could be wrong about all of this. But I believe otherwise. Friendships before romance should totally be a real thing.

Dear Marisha,

You’re such a sweetheart… I wish you would allow more people to see it.  Imagine how different things would be if people knew how much you laugh and joke behind closed doors and circles!  Sometimes life has a way of hitting hard. Don’t lose that smile. Don’t lose the life in your eyes.  We both know that parents don’t know everything, but they know a great deal. Listen to them. It will keep you out of harm’s way.  It’s imperative that you get to know and accept yourself as soon as you can.  This will prevent you from being put in boxes, seeking validation and acceptance, or altogether pretending to be someone you aren’t.  Size 3 or 13, you’re beautiful inside and out.  You have always been a dreamer-never stop dreaming.  Use your passion for words to help you during hard times but more importantly commit that passion and gift to God.  You will encounter malicious people.  The world is full of them.  Some of them will pretend to love you, others will blatantly show that they don’t.  Do not allow them to change who you are unless it’s for the better.  Otherwise, you have let them win, and we both know how much you hate to lose!  Guys are a dime a dozen.  The one who really cares will respect your convictions and will show interest in your goals, he’ll admire your physique without objectifying it, and he will value your soul.  Should you encounter guys that present qualities other than these, and you will, don’t entertain them.  You know your worth.  Do not be ashamed to assert it.  Heartbreak may or may not be inevitable.  I haven’t figured that part out yet,  just know that God heals broken hearts and spirits and you don’t have to go through life broken.  It’s okay to cry sometimes.  You’ll find that a “good cry” will do you good from time to time.  Appreciate life, God, peace of mind, family, Godly connections, and even chaos.  Make the best of every situation.  Don’t be lazy-you’ll have plenty of time to sleep.  Love God at your tender age and don’t be so anxious to see what all the world has to offer.  Don’t be fooled by the appearance of riotous and carefree living.  It has its consequences.  The devil wants to sift you as wheat.  He’ll try to do anything he can but remember that your heel will bruise his head.  You are a winner through Christ Jesus and every thought and plan He has for your life is good.  Continue through life with hope or you will die without it. Love love in every way imaginable.  God will see you through every situation. Be courageous. Everything will be fine.

Sincerely,

Marisha