I worked in a nursing home for nearly five years. That amount of time has created a storehouse of unforgettable memories. I particularly remember an elderly lady whom we will refer to as Mrs. X. Mrs. X was a vocal lady. She had severe Dementia and wasn’t oriented to where she was or what year we were living in. Some days she looked for her mother because she did not remember that her mother was deceased. Sadly enough, she also forgot that both of her legs had been amputated several years ago. 

There were times that she would call staff into her room because her “legs” were hurting. Sometimes she would ask me to push her wheelchair around the facility. She would yell out in pain when we went over any type of groove or indentation of some sort in the floor. One day we were headed down the hall and she began to holler “Oh! Wait! You’re hurting my legs!” It was with such intensity that I stopped the wheelchair, locked it, and walked around the chair to look at Mrs. X for myself. There were no legs there.

Mrs. X was experiencing phantom pains. Phantom pains are pains that are believed to come from a body part that is not there. They can be felt in other parts of the human body; it just so happened that Mrs. X’s area was her legs due to the amputations. No matter how much pain she thought her legs were causing; it was impossible because her legs were not there.

I believe we experience phantom pains a time or two in our lives. What feels real is merely a memory or some type of mirage the enemy wants us to accept as truth. I also believe that some of them may just be familiar. A while back I did a few social media posts that started with “sis.” One of the posts said “Sis, you don’t miss him. He’s just familiar.” An area, an experience, a tragedy, or a relationship may be what you’ve grown accustomed to, not a reality. The negative effects that sometimes cause the desire to return to them are not real. They are just familiar. The emotions and desires are real–what you may think is present, is not. You are detached from that now. You can move forward.

20 years ago, I was a high school Junior in 2003 (sheesh!). I thought I was going into the US Air Force. I thought the same my senior year. Although I said I wanted to be a lawyer since I was a kindergarten student. I decided against the Air Force–without a backup plan during my senior year. I only knew a few History Black Colleges and Universities (HBCU's). Those were Winston-Salem State (WSSU), Fayetteville State (FSU), Elizabeth City State University (ECSU), North Carolina Agriculture and Technical State University (NC A&T), and North Carolina Central University (NCCU). I learned about those from a couple of high school alumni who returned to inform current students about the colleges they attended and what it was like. I also heard about different schools from my church members. I had two older cousins who left for universities. One went to Fayetteville State (FSU), and the other went to the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill (UNC). Those few people and A Different World were about as close as I got to college information. 

 I was aiming for NCCU because that school stood out among the descriptions. I later heard that NCCU had a great (and great was an understatement) Law program that could be better accessible to undergraduate students. I took that SAT on a whim--there was not much studying or preparation. I received waivers for college application fees per the advice of a high school teacher. I applied to two colleges: NCCU and FSU. I was accepted into FSU first. That was cool- my first college acceptance; but my heart was on NCCU. In April 2004, a month before my high school graduation, I received my acceptance letter from NCCU. In my mind, IT WAS ON! My mom told me something that didn’t make a lot of sense at the moment: “Wait a minute, Marisha. We have to look at some costs!” That was a reality check for me because I had never considered how I would pay for college. It never crossed my mind.

We had to buy sheets, a laundry hamper, a comforter, toiletries, and lots of stuff I had never thought I would need. August 2004 came. My heart was beating out of my chest. I had never been that far away from my parents before. My first cousin was my roommate, which was a big help but college was a new world. We joined the other students for orientation. Freshmen were taken to the cafeteria and headed to the financial aid building where we were introduced to applying for student loans. I didn’t know what the heck I was doing. I just filled out the forms. That felt like the culture for students on the yard.

Fast forward and refund checks were dispersed. I didn’t receive one each time. Now, I’m thankful for that. However, refund check dispersal seemed to be a bit of a celebratory time on the yard. I was clueless about financial literacy. Fast forward further, and I graduated with undergraduate and graduate degrees with undergraduate and graduate school debt. Here’s where it’s interesting: I took an aptitude test in high school that indicated my career should be in writing. That was so inaccurate back then, but now you’re reading my blog. Nevertheless, I earned two degrees from NCCU, one in Criminal Justice and a Master of Social Work. I was finding my way. I decided that I could help adolescents in the juvenile justice system via Social Work since I decided against defending them in court. 

This is a simplified version of my journey that’s still unwinding. But thankfully, it hasn’t taken me to get to the end of the road before I learned a thing or two. Here are my biggest takeaways:

• The sooner a person identifies and explores their skills and passions, the easier it is to determine where they may thrive.

• College education is not for everyone. There are other considerable ventures that should be considered without shaming.

• Scholarships are far more valuable than how they may be marketed to some populations. 

• Internships are a great way to determine if a career field is for you before you are fully vested.

• Although my parents never had problems with me and school, I've learned a lot about parent-school relationships as a a mental health clinician. Parents should know their kids’ grades, teachers, school activities, and resources available to best suit and support their children and success.

Gen Z’s appear to be more self-aware than older generations. Their insight in conjunction with newer eras of child-rearing and the power of the internet have made a much better road ahead for them. They have created options for themselves that were not necessarily available during the eras of house phones and internet dial-up. However, their wealth of knowledge is pointless without wisdom. I’ve shared my gems. Share yours. 

I wrote Big Mama Was Wrong: Exploring Mental Health and Today’s Black Teens because I wanted it to be a resource. My goal was to enlighten parents, caregivers, and others about the stigmas I have observed as a mental health clinician for children and adolescents. I wanted conversations with therapists to be less embarrassing or scary. I also wanted others to understand the importance of seeking help, the type of help available, and some signs that seeking help may be necessary. I noticed patterns and realized that mental health within the Black community was the road less traveled but could have helped so many others along their journeys if they considered it.

I was challenged about the title “Big Mama Was Wrong” while presenting the first book in this closing series. The attendee stated that using “Black” to describe a race of people or ethnicity was inappropriate. In a world where identity is both a badge of honor and a topic for debate, most “Blacks” identify themselves as just that. I avoid using “African American” because it includes other ethnicities unintentionally, like those who may have been born in an African country but now live in the US or someone born to an American and someone from an African country. 

Then I was told that there was a way that I could appeal to readers without using a title that promoted ignorance. Truthfully, “ignorance” still rings in my ears from that day. I found the term destructive rather than constructive as the attendee wanted to appear. Ignorance is destructive. The conversation temporarily created an internal conflict. I was attacked for promoting what I wanted to destroy in my own community. 

The attendee further informed me that she did not believe looking into the past was the right approach. However, I beg to differ. If we are unaware of the past, we do not know how to respond to or prepare for the present onward. There is a long-standing history of trauma in the Black community. Understanding how it has framed mindsets and coping mechanisms could open the door for healthy responses for generations to come.

Social media, particularly during the pandemic, served as fantastic forms of education and entertainment. There has been a plethora of videos that confirm shared experiences within the Black culture and families. From “Black mamas don’t apologize. They just say ‘come and eat.’” to Black mamas telling teenagers to "Get in the kitchen and depress those dishes.” after a teen expressed feeling depressed. Although there is a comedic undertone, Blacks continue to laugh at and through tough situations because we do not always realize that habits and coping skills we have learned are not laughing matters. I do not believe there would be much comedic material if more people evaluated the roots of some of our behaviors and patterns in the Black community. 

This book will highlight some topics differently than in the first book. However, similar to the guide for Black teens, this book will cover various mental health diagnoses, modalities of treatment, and service providers. It will enlighten readers to banish the mental health stigma, help readers become more comfortable pursuing help, and foster healthy conversations surrounding mental health. I hope that it will also help others embrace healthy conversations. I want to reiterate that this book is derived from my observations, but the insight regarding diagnoses, treatment, etc. is supported with professional material. This book is not intended to be used instead of seeking professional help from clinicians. Up first, the backdrop.

Do y’all remember when we called ourselves having a boyfriend or girlfriend then our loved ones humbled the entire situation by referring to them as our “little friend?” There was something more in our hearts towards our special person than “friendship” and we wanted it acknowledged. Interestingly enough, I think there is still a speck of that on today’s dating scene. Social media is usually flooded with applications and jokes regarding cuffing season when Fall reaches the horizon. But there is something serious about being cuffed and the notion of a committed relationship.

Some time ago one of my younger cousins and I conversed about his romantic interest. I asked if she was his “girlfriend” and he scoffed: “Titles are so ‘1990s’.” We’re obviously from different generations but I believe that there could be some truth in my little cousin’s and our elders’ concepts. I’ve come to appreciate the friend zone. I don’t think that courtship has to be complicated or eternal but it pays to establish solidarity instead of “skipping to the good parts.” I believe this is as good a time as any to mention that I’m not a romance guru (or any other guru). This piece is to highlight my experiences and observations.

I’ve pondered how a man can ever be a lover to me if he cannot be my friend. I’ve learned that friendships and relationships alike require compatibility. Compatibility for me has changed over the years and I’ve gathered that it is more than “having things in common” or meeting pre-determined checkboxes. Maybe I’m thinking too much with my therapist hat but I believe that the art of compatibility requires that I search and assess myself as a multifaceted person and determine what does (or would) work well and what does and (or would) not. I would think that a person interested in me should do the same. Similar interests are great but what about communication styles? Long-term goals? Values? Spiritual beliefs?

So, reaching back to having little “friends,” I don’t think that it’s a bad idea at all. In fact, I find it genius. It’s imperative to get to know a person and their dimensions without the pressure of wanting to be liked or desired. It helps eliminate the need for masks or “representatives.” (Representatives are people who present who they want to be accepted instead of who they actually are) Once what’s important has been laid out, either the friendship can evolve or remain the same. Either way, at least you dodged investing a great deal into someone that you don’t know or followed due to shallow factors of compatibility. Some people are compatible for friendship, some for networking, and others for something more. I’m legit out here living and learning.

Truthfully, I could be wrong about all of this. But I believe otherwise. Friendships before romance should totally be a real thing.

It’s no exaggeration when I say that 2022 owes me nothing. I had some challenges and moments that felt like setbacks; however, I came out on top every time. 2022 taught me a lot about myself: how I respond under pressure, where my faith was in situations, and some positive negative factors of my heart. I have a lot of takeaways but here are the top three:

1-Grudges are just as much about the mind as the heart

I noticed that grudges continued brewing for as long as I “villanized” people– focused on their wrongs towards me and their character flaws. It was counterproductive to forgive because zooming in on their offensive ways made it easier to harbor negative thoughts. The scales tipped when I thought of the positive aspects: that the good outweighed the negative and that offenses were not the only things present in those encounters and relationships. 

2-Prepare for an unorthodox journey when you walk with God

I have a saying, “God is not obvious.” It means that we can’t calculate God’s next move despite how “logical” it seems it should be. Last summer God told me that everyone’s journey is different including my own. There are some routes to getting to God’s promises that others may not understand (or agree with) but if you are following God’s plan, that’s okay.

3- Build your “word” from year-to-year

God gave me one word coming into 2020. I didn’t ask Him what he wanted me to do with the word or gain from it. I assumed it wanted me to “create it.” I was so wrong in my assumptions. The next year came and I asked Him for another word because of the impact from the year before. It wasn’t until the other day that I realized that the words from “each year” should be building blocks and not just words for a single year (Duh, Marisha!). This shouldn’t be confused with time or seasons as changes will occur in our lives. Some assignments will have expiration dates but be sure to remember what you’ve learned from one place in God to another.